I just need to stop doubting, pushing, rushing, and wandering...i just need to "be still" and listen

Well, Im starting to feel like I just can't get it right...you know that feeling when you are always taking two steps back....thats me. lol. But Im doing ok. I have to get out of the parents house, and as much as I think its good that I am here with my parents, I also think its good for me to have my freedom. I also am fully understanding that i need church...i need fellowship, because without it I get lost. I truthfully have so many questions and doubts sometimes, and without a strong base I wander. So, I am going to truly try to make it a priority to go to church, if not every sunday, at least more than now.
Ok, so for good stuff :)I have a new "guy friend" as T.J. says...lol...his name is Chris Hackler, and I worked with him in the meat dept. at Fresh Market...lol. (yes I know...how romantic..lol) but, he is super funny, and I love that he makes me laugh...he likes to watch movies, and play video games...lol seriously...what is it with guys and video games...haha. Anyway, I like him, and we have been on a few dates..so we shall see..:) I might be moving in with my good friend Steven...I stress friend..cause that is all we are...and he is a little older than me...it would just be a roomie sort of thing. I only say this cause i know your concerns especially with the brandon thing...but we are just friends...and I would have the basement apt. and he would be upstairs. I am thinking about it anyway, the rent is cheap and its close to work and school. We shall see ;) Please pray that I can make a good decision :) I feel like I am so close to something. You know when you start to feel your life slowly taking shape. I feel like Im standing on the edge of something. I know God has a plan. I feel like God is standing behind me and giving me a gentle nudge ;) i fee like my material life IS taking shape, but my spriritual life needs some work. I need to make spending time with God, and learning more of a priority. What am I so afraid of? Why do I have such a hard time letting go and trusting God. You all know me, you know I'm very open minded..but that same open mindedness sometimes can be a dissability. I doubt, I get frustrated, I get defensive. Christianity can sometimes be abbrasive, almost too much (ok guys, Im being brutally honest right now..and I hope I dont offend anyone...Im just letting stuff go...I need to get it all out in order to grow....) but it can be...in your face sometimes. And for years I pushed it away, let it in, pushed it away..let it in. I want to let it in, I want to be a Godly woman, I want to have a Savior. I want to feel that I have a strong faith...a purpose. The funny thing is, is I have read so many books on other religions, all sorts of things, but I have never really taken the time to really delve into Gods word...?! I mean..how hypocritical is that? lol. I don't know...I just feel like I need to stop making excuses, stop allowing Satan to twist my thoughts and break me down. Anyway, I really need to just focus, pray, and hold on. I want Jesus to fill my heart, I want to live a life for Christ! Sorry guys, I know that was an earfull, but I think I just need to stop holding on to these things and just let go of it all. I know there will always be a battle so to speak when you are living christian life....but I have to shield myself, and stop giving in to Satan's lies.
Please pray that I can grow...just move forward and grow in my walk with Christ, and stop holding on to whatever it is Im holding on to, or stop giving in to my doubts and fears!..I love u guys so much for being there for me and lifting me up!